happy 30th birthday, sarah

man, my big sister is thirty. where the hell has the time gone? the past two years have been in a pregnancy/baby/toddler-induced sleep-deprived coma, but what about the rest of the twenty-some odd years? you've always been a great sister. even when i totally hated you, i still loved you so much. remember when you were going to leave and "never come back" in your '81 escort, so i jumped on the hood and stomped the windshield out? i did it out of pure love. and i didn't mean to break the window, either. remember when we got in that huge 'american gladiator' fight and you threw the glass coke bottle at my head and i wrote a story about it that ended up being published in "young authors"? how embarassing for us. thanks for letting me play with you and leyna, even if you were still mean to me. thanks for letting me play barbie's even if i could only have the hermaphrodite with the broken ankles and no hair. thanks for liking laurie berkner. thanks for telling me that if i ripped the head of of my very valuable steiff bear, that there would be millions of dollars inside, but then not forcing me to do it when i decided that i'd rather just have the teddy bear. thanks for giving me your old 'what's happening to my body' book and never saying anything to me about it. boobs, boobs, boobies... your breasts. haha. thanks for putting pillows at the bottom of the stairs so that when you threw me down in a tied-up sleeping bag it wouldn't hurt so badly. thanks for my bird girl statue. thanks for rescuing me from the babysitter who locked me in the basement. thanks for helping to take the blame when we broke that other baby sitters leg. she shouldn't have tried to jump over the couch anyway. that was really irresponsible of her. thanks for thinking that hellen keller jokes are funny. thanks for being as afraid of the dead/not-dead woman at the funeral as i was. thanks for not telling anyone about the hangover that i had at the other funeral. thanks for cooking all of my tv dinners, and teaching me how to blow up marshmallows in the microwave. thanks for being so excited to see my new saab, that we had to drive over the night i got it. thanks for teaching me how to lie in therapy so that we didn't have to go back. thanks for teaching me how to get all six pairs of flourscent socks layered and properly visable, how to rat my hair, and how to use paperclips as earrings. thanks for not telling mom how much i swore in junior high. thanks for letting me borrow some of your clothes, with or without your knowledge. thanks for playing singers with the microphones from your bed posts. thanks for letting me drive before i had my permit because you were lazy, or tired. my drivers-ed instructor was really impressed with my innate ability to drive. thanks for all of the fun we had when you were in college. thanks for taking me to see the violent femmes with rebecca. i felt like such a bad-ass. thanks for always having cash on you, when i only have plastic. thanks for letting me go with you and grandpa those few times to meet randy and buy laser discs, it really meant so much to me. thanks for loving my kid and my husband as much as i do. (well, hopefully you don't love my husband as much as i do!) thanks for being on my parenting-support-shit-i've-really-screwed-up-this-time team. thanks so much, pighead. i love you. please always remember, the fart is not a funny thing.

love, ratface.