it's the final countdown

my neighbors are moving.

and every time i talk about it, someone seems to get defensive, like that it shouldn't bother me as much as it does. i'm glad that they have better opportunities, but i'm still sad. and the fact that both sides are moving simultaneously is devestating. in may, i found out that the kananens were moving to a farm about 25 minutes north. two weeks later, the paweleks got their confirmation that they were moving to north carolina. during that same period, we also found out that gm was devestatingly and definately closing the family chevrolet dealership. i also turned 30- an event that was completly burried with the crap going on. to say that i cried the entire month of june is an understatement. i feel like i aged 10 years during that period. i kept saying, "God, please not one more thing!" and the next day, something else would happen. prayers are still unanswered. i can't figure out why except that it's just not our time.

but i'm tired of hearing the defensive. i don't need to "make other friends" i have a playgroup of 150 moms. i'm not short on friends. i don't need to "remember that we weren't friends to begin with" we moved here with nothing in common except new opportunities in building a new community. we became friends. these are the people that helped watch over my kids, help with all of our home projects, and had keys to my house when i was on vacation. next month, my children who talk about their children all day long- will be alone. instead of playing "right next door" i'll have to walk them down the block. my sons two "best friends" (his words) that are his age are both gone simultaneously. my daughter loses four. all in one week. she can't stop crying. i'm dreading moving day for her.

next month i lose my security. both bill & jeremy were home during the day. i knew that anything that i ever needed, that they would be right there to help me with. bill helped me deal with the endless contractors in my house, he helped me break into my house once in the winter when baby ky & i were locked out. jeremy would watch my kids while i ran up to the mailbox. we went swimming & bike riding with the family many times. he even came over for margaritas with my playgroup. i went out and bought some new floor lamps, with lighting timers so it isn't dark when i come home anymore. we're concidering fencing in our yard since i don't know who will live in their houses. i've thought about getting a dog, and i don't even like dogs. i just don't want to be alone. my mom is bringing over a climber (something that i swore i'd never have in my yard) so that my kids have something to do during the transition. i've had to put my organic lawn on hold temporarily, though, since there have been a lot of weeds. i'll get back to that when the neighborhood becomes more stable. right now, it hasn't been so bad to "let go" because both sets of neighbors haven been so busy packing that i've seen very little of them this summer. i'm trying to step back.

so this is it. a dream deferred. it's certainly not our time to move, and the truth is, that i don't want to. despite the negativity i hear, i honestly feel that it's just them trying to justify their moves and make themselves feel better about leaving. i'm not taking it personally. i love my neighborhood. i love my neighbors (they're just a little further down the road now) and i love, love, love my house. so, when i heard they were moving, i decided to up my house pride. i put in a victory garden. i painted my kitchen cabinets. i had my carpets cleaned. i made a checklist of things to get done before our halloween party, and more than half of it is done. i can't wait to repaint the trim and the balcony. we're powerwashing the house. i love my house and i'm still very glad that we moved here. i don't regret that. and secretly, i can't wait to decorate for halloween since there will be two new families that will have no idea that it is coming.

and now i finally have to face the week that i've been dreading all summer. the kananens are out on friday (the night of our first block party) and the paweleks are leaving next week. and i think i'm finally okay with it. i'm not a farmer and vow to never live on a dirt road with well-water ever again, as much as i'm not a southener and probably could not survive without snow, chilly mornings and crisp autumn leaves. and the curtain closes on my first neighborhood friends. it's the end of a good five year stretch. i'm happy to have met them, and i hope to always stay in contact with them, because through the tears, i truly do with them all the best of luck. i just can't say it right now.

goodbye and goodluck.