tough luck

my husband's car dealership hosted a "ladies car care clinic" last night. in addition to dinner, sessions on car safety, car-seat inspections, tire-changing, fluid-checking and on-star were provided. i have to be honest, i had absolutely no intention of going to this seminar as i am married to an ase certified gm automotive technician and if i have to start doing things to my car, then what the hell did i marry him for? in my next life, i'll marry a lawyer or something and then i'll learn how to check my car in an emergency.

so anyway, my husband was attempting to convince me to go while we were at the auto show with my neighbors. aimee said, "i'll go if you'll go, but if you need an excuse i'll back you up." sounds good, but do i really need an excuse to go out on a tuesday evening other than the fact that i'm lazy and married to a mechanic? i still was not convinced.

monday morning i received a phone call from none-other than my dear husband. "gift bags!" he tells me, "everyone gets a gift bag just for coming." slightly intrigued, i ask for more details. when i find out that i will be receiving bath & body works lotion, bigelow lip gloss, caribou coffee, a free month of tanning and some random car accessories, i begin contemplating making the fifteen minute drive on a lazy evening. aimee, who can never pass up free swag, was already on the bandwagon. by tuesday morning, after hearing news of fabulous prizes for mani/pedicures, massages, etc. i had finally made my decision... i would go as long as the weather held out.

so out we went, and the hors d'oeuvres were nice, the desserts fancy and the wine (even thought it was kenwood) looked tempting. until... i noticed three deputy sheriffs standing past the beverage table. i picked up a glass of punch when aimee pointed out the wine. i said that i would pass, i was in no mood to get pulled over after drinking wine. i am not bree after all, folks. aimee (my cohort in wine crime) is barely pregnant and is still going through the separation anxiety phase of leaving alcohol to go to waste, says "i just feel that someone should drink it" and offers to drive home, which i appreciate, but decline. i rarely pass up wine, but i was pretty tipsy last week at poker after one aging glass, and decide that my husbands place of employment, in addition to having to talk to sheriffs, that consuming the wine was most llikely not in my best interest.

i continued to drink the shitty punch and bottled water as we learned how to sort-of take care of a car in an emergency. we mostly talked with our other friends and did the very sixth-grade thing of making fun of a very "special" lady and her elderly mother who asked A LOT of questions. after looking at random car fluids and the spouts of where to pour what, i decide that indeed, it is best to leave this to my husband. my days of a liberated woman fighting for equal rights are in my past. i don't care if i have to play the 'dumb wife' card. if it keeps me from kneeling on the ground and using tools then all the more power. my nails are clean and my hands are smooth. and i can keep them that way since i now have new lotion.

ugggghhhhhhh. so the car sear inspection... i can proudly say that the police could not get the car seat in any better than i could, which is both good and bad, because although i am not a bad parent for having the seat installed incorrectly for 19 months, it still has enough side-to-side movement to concern both them and myself. my neighbor seemed a tad jealous that i only had two handfuls of cheerios and kix smashed into my seat. the cop was so stressed out and apologetic that he offers to come out to my house with the safe-kid inspectors. the last thing that i really need is police buzzing around my house. everyone in the neighborhood would find out within minutes and suspect something so much more juicy than a home-based car seat inspection. last spring, three people came over to find out why my saab was being towed away. when explained that it was only because my gauges were failing while i was driving, and did not feel that it was safe to drive to southfield their faces fell. i think of the potential gossip, and offer to instead drive to the station. we exchange numbers and i return to the group for the prize drawings.

aimee says, "anyone can win the spa packages except the crazy lady." in a small door prize, i won a visor and aimee took home a floral arrangement, and we sat down for the big prizes... pedicure.... aimee says that she indeed could use this as she was relentlessly teased for her less-than-perfect toes during her last pregnancy. i offer to do them for her if she doesn't win as long as they don't smell. damn. no luck. hair cut & style... we don't want that anyway. we're both very attached to our stylists.... massages... defiantly a plus... no luck. how about a free day of daycare? damn, that's not in the drawing. we sit back and await the grand prize... seaweed facial, manicure and pedicure, hair cut & style, two-one hour massages.... and the winner is...

the damn lady with all of the questions.